Thursday

Today has honestly just been a crappy day. My own tiredness just kind of slithered sinisterly under the surface today, and then erupted, leaving a murky film over my day. I hate it when tiredness does that.

Something about today has found me giving into the temptations to believe that I am inadequate in so many ways. Academically, it hit hard today for one reason or another. I was overwhelmed by my Education class today, and then I felt like I came on too strong in my discussion for another class. It left me feeling weird, and a little discouraged about my future in the midst of so much collegiate academics.

On top of those things, it has been about a month now since I have been home, and that funkiness always kinda drags me down around this mark in the semester. It is, of course, a combination of things, but this week I have really missed my family and being home. Plus I know my own tendency to paint home as a quixotic end-all-be-all, and it seems like a haven from the stress that follows me around like my shadow, constantly tapping my shoulder and trying to be my friend.

I know my own weaknesses pretty well most of the time, and today was the vacuum for them to compound in. I know I had a pretty bad attitude round about mid afternoon, and once I gave in to that, it was easy to complain about everything. I am sad that I was such a Wendy Whiner this afternoon.

I was listening to some JJ Heller just now, and her songs cut straight to the heart. I am posting some of her lyrics (all off of her album, Deeper) below.

Control by JJ Heller

The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn't hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough
To keep the voices in my head
From stealing my peace

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win
Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

I'm letting go of the illusion
I'm letting go of the confusion
I can't carry it another step
I close my eyes and take a breath
I'm letting go, letting go

There were scars before my scars
Love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

No Fight Left by JJ Heller

It's hard to tell
If my eyes are open
When all I see is dark

And it's easy, it's easy
To lose my step, to lose my step

There is no fight left
On the inside
But maybe, that's where I should be

I've given up tryin'
I'm giving it all to you

When I use to dream of a life so lovely
There'd be no room for tears
Now letting go, yea letting go
Is the hardest part, it's the hardest part

There is no fight left
On the inside
But maybe, that's where I should be

I've given up tryin'
I'm giving it all to you
Oh oh oh...

There is no place I can go
Where you don't already know
How to reach right down
And pull me out

I need you oh i need you
I need you

There is no fight left
On the inside
But maybe, that's where I should be

I've given up tryin'
I'm giving it all

There is no fight left
On the inside
But maybe, that's where I should be

I've given up tryin'
I'm giving it all yea
I've given up tryin'
I'm giving it all yea and
I've given up tryin'
I'm giving it all... to you