God has really met me in some unexpected and desperately longed-for ways this week. I know, it's only Tuesday, but He truly has, and I want to PRAISE HIS NAME for all He has already done.

He has met me through a retreat I am taking, the "Busy Person's Retreat". He has really given me a full abundance of compassion and wisdom, two of our themes for this week. I have seen Him grant me wisdom in an extremely difficult decision facing me this week, and one that had the potential to be devisive, dividing, and setting friends against friends. He is just so good.

He has given me a heart of love and compassion today that I only had because it was from Him. I could sense that He poured out His love into my heart today in a way that I had specifically asked would overflow into the lives of others, and oh! What a day it has been indeed. A reconciled friendship, where love and lovingtruth broke through 4 months of hurt and isolation. Now THAT is my Jesus. He is freeing me from some bonds that continue to enslave me in anxiety, worry, and insecurity. God gave me the distinct freedom of sharing my truth because it was good for me, and not worrying about the response. He promises to take care of it.

He have me direction and discernment in a difficult conversation, where it felt like walking on glass with MUCH, much at stake. And He prompted my heart to silence or clear, direct words during that conversation. I believe He has blessed me for that obedience.

To be honest, my cry for several months has been to really sense the LORD's presence in my life. I have been at several low points where I was tempted, or did fall into the folly of believing that He had abandoned me. May I NEVER forget the good things the LORD has done for me! (Psalm 103:2).

God has been slowly expanding my heart's definition of my neighbor, and impressing upon it (my heart) the implications of doing so. I want to love my neighbors everywhere- through my political influence, my life, actions, words, deeds, money, purchases---ALL of it! It is not a bunch of liberal phooey or political correctness. No, I do believe Jesus mandates a life that loves others in the purest and deepest (often most challenging) ways.

The Beatitudes, among several other portions of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, have been on my heart this week. Allow me to share the two that have been spoken to my heart:

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. " Matt. 5:6

God blesses those who respond to the "holy fire" for justice burning in their hearts. He promises to fill those who pursue the justice reflected in His very heart.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you
and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.
Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven,
for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." Matt. 5:9-12

Learning what it truly means to endure suffering in this life, to triumph and be joyful at our own weakness and persecution, which points to our Heavenly Father, is still a lesson I am learning. I can see the roots of a journey beginning, in which I feel like God is really calling me to put my light on a stand for all to see. This will probably mean persecution. And I am swallowing that in some ways right now.

God never promises it will be easy. But He promises to never leave us nor forsake us. (Deuteronomy 31:6 & 8; Joshua 1:5; Hebrews 13:5)

AMEN to that.

Also, this video really captures what I am learning about loving my neighbors- all of them. Take some time to watch it, and let me know your thoughts!

How Can I Say

How can I say that I love the LORD,
whom I've never, ever seen before;
and forget to say that I love the one
whom I walk beside each and e'vry day?
How can I look upon your face and ignore God's love?
You I must embrace!
You're my brother,
you're my sister:
and I love you with the love of my LORD.

"How Can I Say I Love the LORD" by V. Michael McKay

I am Realizing

A busy life is no longer an excuse not to read more books.

Ponderings

If God did not allow us times and moments where we felt confused, distant, or far from Him...then how would we know how badly we need His presence in our lives? How would we ever have a desire for Him, one that He longs to meet?

LORD, I don't want to live for myself. Please, do not leave me in my selfishness.

A March and a Mis(s)representation

I screened a film tonight called Miss Representation. It was about the media's portrayal of women and how that has contributed to a society that values women for their bodies above many other attributes. The ideas brought up in the film were honest, true, and valid. I am always aware going into documentary-type films that they are very intentionally crafted: they are created, clipped, filmed, edited, and arranged to the very last detail to tell a story from a certain perspective, and to be persuasive to argue for that particular point of view. The film did a nice job in exposing the media and digging deep to unearth the underlying values in the messages that advertising and television sends us.

I found myself with several thoughts (of many) afterwards:

1. This film brings up a great point that I cannot emphasize enough: we need to be intelligent, thoughtful, and discerning consumers. Lately I have realized how important that is, whether it comes to food, clothing, or media. I think it is important to be more intentional and neglect the temptation of "comfort" and "convenience" to act justly and make decisions that are based on truth. That being said, I am becoming more and more convinced to raise any future children of mine without a television. Books are better for your brain, anyhow.

2. I had many thoughts about gender roles, how they are broken when human beings try to decide and define them on our own, and just how much those are in need of redemption. We live in a world of women who are not represented in their own culture, not taken seriously, and in some ways, systematically oppressed. Women struggle with the pressure from the media to look a certain way and conduct themselves a certain way. On the other hand, men have been groomed by this same media to place their worth in how much power they can exert over women and in many other arenas of life. Men have also been groomed to expect women to look a certain way and to be objects instead of capable human beings. I found myself agreeing with much of this movie, but also trying to understand gender roles in a Biblical sense, as God Himself created them in His image and for His glory. (More on that below).

3. I found myself very thankful for the women AND men who have allowed me to be my female self without the pressure of the media, and for those who have influenced my own sense of independence and calling. From Christian women in leadership positions who helped me to use my leadership skills and showed me that women are not necessarily subservient in ministry positions, to my wonderful parents who never set a limit for their girls, no matter what the "future-career-or-ambition-of-the-week" I set my mind to. I realized how much my father in particular has never put pressure on me to define myself by my body or my looks, and how much he really values myself and the women in my family for who we are, without limits or a prejudiced point of view. This made me also appreciate the other men in my life, who through friendship have valued me as a female and let me be myself. Thank you.

4. I realized how much as a young woman I took a healthy amount of pride in what my gender has accomplished. I always loved learning about a woman's right to vote in history, I loved looking up to females in whatever field I was passionate about at the time, I did a speech in middle school on Rosie the Riveter and the World War II movement of women in the workforce, and I have always loved the stories of the women of God in the Bible. Seeing this film made me feel like a little girl all over again, and I felt empowered anew to go for my dreams, and to not feel like there is a limit just because I am a girl, or that the fact that I am a woman means that I cannot just go for things that I feel like I am called to.

5. I did have a big caveat for this whole women's rights thing: I am all for it until it steps on others in any way. As a Christian woman, I can agree that there are many crimes against humanity and areas of prejudice and discrimination that have faced women in a unique way. However, where my personal views verve from the modern-day feminist is that I do not support abortion or "women's rights" masquerading as "choice", and I do not think that the empowering of women means that we can step on men or anyone else, for that matter. I had a conversation with a friend recently about how the pro-abortion movement frequently refers to itself as "for women's rights", "for women's health", and "for women's choice". Frankly, abortion hurts women and inherently values a woman over that of another human being: the defenseless baby she carries. Again, I have a problem with this movement when it impedes upon others. Liberation does not mean that others are no longer important, or are less important, let alone that of a human life which is just as significant as that woman's and should be treated as such, for its intrinsic value.

This segues nicely into the second part of my post, and a reflection of my weekend activities. I was privileged to attend my third March for Life, the 39th annual March in Washington protesting the legalization of abortion in this country. There is nothing like standing for the truth, and the March encourages me and refreshes me with a new perspective and energy for the pro-life movement. It mobilizes me to love, cherish, protect, defend, and fight for life in all its forms: from conception to natural death.


Whilst I was in the D.C. area, I had the opportunity to meet a very neat lady named Bonnie. When I met Bonnie, she was huddled in a small insulated tent for warmth in front of the White House. Bonnie has been holding a peaceful protest against the violence and havoc of nuclear warfare since 1981. Her vigil is quiet, but to me was a beautiful example of being a peacemaker and one who is hungry and thirsty for justice as Jesus spoke of in Matthew chapter 4. I admired Bonnie for her perseverance, for her quiet spirit, and the gentleness and yet conviction with which she spoke of her cause. God loves those who have hearts for justice, and I believe it is because justice is close to His heart as well. So He loves those who are peaceful but willing to take a stance for the truth. Bonnie was a face of Jesus to me this weekend.

Let us not grow weary in doing good, dear friends. (Galatians 6:9)

On Coats

No matter how hard I try, I am always behind in winter coat trends. I can remember several years back when I was the proud owner of a beauty not unlike this one above (except for mine was red).

I thought I was the coolest coat-wearing kid on the block.

Until I noticed that everyone had cool tweed pea coats.

You may know where this story is heading. The next year, determined not to make the same mistake twice, I bought a beautiful tweed pea coat.

Again, when I looked around, it was not the trend.

This morning, I was walking on campus with my lovely pea coat, in my current favorite color of mustard yellow, when I noticed a trend:


Yes, these seem to be the new trend.

This may have just been a bunch of silliness, but in all reality, you can just never "have it all". Our culture tricks us into thinking that the right buys and looks get you somewhere. Yet, one winter it is one coat, then next winter another. So stand proud in your coat, no matter what it looks like. Let's be coat rebels together.

Weary...Inspired...

Today I am wistful. I want to be inspired. I want to be moved by the extraordinary. My brain gets sucked into busy-ness so easily, and I want new energy to pump through my veins. I am weary a little bit inside:
weary of the world
weary of growing up
weary of the same-old
weary of divisions
weary of distances and roadblocks that seem insurmountable

And yet I have also realized: I am a dreamer at heart.
I love to imagine possibilities. It excites me that the abstract can become reality, as tangible as the grasp of a handshake or the pulling embrace of a hug. I don't want to be a weary traveler, but rather one who wears the spiritual spectacles and finds the treasure trove of joy in the midst of a despairing world, one who is able to dance in the sheer awe of this fragile life instead of being weighed down with heavy burdens. I want to defy my fears, overcome my insecurities, and grab life with both hands.

It occurs to me that perhaps instead of grabbing life with my own two hands, I should grasp tightly the hands of my Father.

He promises to exchange my weariness (unfairly, should I add) for better.

[He has sent me to] provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
{Isaiah 61:3}

Learning

I am a learner at heart. As I have realized my passion for the world of education, and for the countless children education serves, I have also come to discover my deep love of learning. I do not consider myself one who loves learning for the sake of memorization, or to throw out names and titles in academic circles, but simply earning for the sake of learning. I love that there are classes I can take and immerse myself in new material. It is like entering a new world, and it truly excites me.

I credit a lot of this to my love of reading. I was asked yesterday in one of my education classes to share a fond memory of my childhood educational experience. As I ruminated and reminisced, the answer became clear: reading. Reading transported me to a whole new world as a kid, and I find that at the heart of it, I still love getting lost in a story. Sadly, in college, this often translates into movie-watching after my brain is a bit numb from all the intellectual reading. But at the heart of every (well, every WELL-made movie) is a story. A story from someone's perspective that helps you enter their world for a little bit. Stories can poke, provoke, incite to anger, move to tears, or help bring about realizations in your own life. This is exactly why I love watching (and afterwards discussing or debriefing) films.

I am a learner. And on these first few days of classes in a wintry, drizzly, gray northeastern Ohio morning, I am struck by the joy and privilege it is to dig through the trenches of the mind and of the world as a "full-time" learner. I want this semester, no matter what class I am in or whether it is my favorite material or not, to be filled with a labor of love and joy in the way I approach my learning.

The Bondage of Insecurity

Lately, I have been thinking and reflecting on the topic of insecurities. Through a conversation with a friend, I was able to finally identify a struggle of mine that deals with insecurity. As I saw how monumental this discovery was, I began to see how this insecurity colors my life and reaches into many different areas. It almost shocked me; I should have seen this one coming. All the clues were there, and finally identifying this major insecurity actually made a lot of sense when I considered myself, my struggles, and things that I have always felt but never quite been able to pinpoint.

I believe that our insecurites weigh us down. They sidle easily into the category of idols, and become something controlling our actions, dictating our thoughts, and thus becoming the driving force behind our lives. This is clearly unhealthy, and insecurites, like fears, make a bad god.

I have been able to see now how much I struggle with insecurity in my life. Like many girls, I have battled insecurity about my body. How can I make peace with my body, one that God has lovingly created? Some of my insecurities are fueled by an acceptance I tend to glean from relationships in my life, making again, a bad, bad god. And I struggle with insecurity about people's acceptance and opinion of me. These are so often the things governing my life, my coutenance, even my feelings (which I also allow to govern my days and my interactions). I have come to realize that I DO have a choice. I DO have a choice, to believe the truth my Father hands down to me, and hide it in my heart, and let it color my life and thoughts and actions. I know this is what He says, when He talks about peace literally (in the Greek) governing our hearts. I must choose to let Christ rule, to let the peace that comes from Christ rule. Take every thought captive. Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. I do have a choice, friends. We all do.

I feel as if I am just beginning this battle of trying to live a life governed by the LORD and not the insecurities that have both haunted me and clouded my life for so long. I am grateful that God promises to never leave us or forsake us, that He walks with us in our trials and pains as no one else can, seeing as He willingly became all that for love of us as He walked a path leading to the cross. More and more, I am able to see that my weaknesses only make Him stronger. Fellow sojourners, I encourage you to search out your own insecurities. And do not be afraid to speak them out loud. To admit them to yourself. I know that there is such light in the truth, and being truthful about the depth and even ugliness of your insecurities is crucial for the LORD to work full and deep healing in all of our hearts. But do not let yourself be discouraged; instead cling to the LORD and His goodness. I will be trying hard to do the same.