Fear of Failure

It is another Sunday morning. Sunday mornings should be restful and leisurely, but instead find myself in the midst of a busy and semi-stressful one. I kind of took a Sabbath yesterday, and by "kind of", I mean I was lazy allllllllll daaaaaayyyyy looooooooonnnng. Yeah. ALL DAY. I slept, watched movies, made and ate delicious homemade granola, went bowling, worked out, and slept some more. The sleeping was pretty great after a long week. I did appreciate that.

And now I find myself on a Sunday morning. Once again. I admit, I miss having family near and dear on Sundays. I really enjoy family time on a Sunday morning: something about lingering in conversation with ones dear to my heart always makes my day that much better.

I have been trying hard to imagine life outside of the constructs currently structuring my mind: class readings, exams, papers, projects, event-planning. It's quite a fight. Sometimes I feel so immersed in that world, determined by the next piece of work due and when and what time am I working today and how I am I supposed to fit in a run and what is for dinner and oh no it is time to go to sleep already and I have nothing done. And you know what? It is taxing. But I am still figuring out a way to live outside of that reality. As of now, it is a very dichotomistic thing. I either live in that world or I don't. And my lazyday yesterday? An example of trying to exist outside of that academic world without the consequences, namely, today will be busybusybusy.

The one thing I can do today, is to choose not to be stressed. To take things one moment at a time. That is hard for me. I wake up every morning and the things on my mind are typically what I need to do and where I need to go in that day. At the root of this struggle, I think, is that I am afraid to lose control and thus to be, what, imperfect? Flawed? Seen as irresponsible? I am afraid that if I let go and stop living a life so dominated by academics and my schedule that I will "slip up", miss an important meeting or deadline, and that I will fail in some dimension.

Jesus' words in the Sermon on the Mount cut straight through my busy schedule to my heart."So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34


I leave you with that this morning, friends and readers. Let us not worry, for worry has no power. But let us trust Jesus' words and trust that today is enough for today. Let us rest in Him.