Undisciplined

I must admit that lately I have felt very undisciplined. There is something very satisfying to me about checking off a checklist consistently- that unmarred standard of "perfection" for a week's worth of a particular task. Well, I have felt more or less like an "epic fail" in terms of discipline lately. Spiritual discipline, physical discipline, and just things I should be doing in general.

I have noticed that I really struggle with this in terms of constantly focusing on achieving perfectionism. In these past two months, God has really shown me that I tend to focus on my own image of myself and who I should be instead of on who He says that I am and who He is wanting to make me to be. I have discovered a connection here- when I do not consistently reach my own goals of perfectionism or just my own standards, I feel worse about myself and who I am. In turn, this lowered self-esteem makes it difficult for me to receive love and grace from myself, others, and even God. I have realized how much I put stock in my own image of me, and when I do not measure up, I automatically assume I am not worth anything and not worthy to receive love or grace. Which is silly, when you really think about it. Grace is received to cover our imperfections. Grace is extended when we fall short. And yet I find it so hard to receive that when I fall short of my own human standards.

For some of us who are celebrating the season of Lent for the next couple weeks, I encourage you, fellow sojourners, that during this season of discipline and reflection- to receive His grace. I am going to be trying to do the same thing- to learn to give up my clutch on perfectionism and live freely in His grace.

"Even perfection has its limits, but your commands have no limit."

-Psalm 119:96

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

- 2 Corinthians 12:9