More and more, as I have been in this new place God has planted me- I have trying to grasp onto something solid. To find something that I can nail down, something to take to the bank- what/whichever metaphor you prefer. I have been seeking so desperately for something to be solid and unchanging and predictable and box-able as I stand in the midst of an ever-changing sea, this season of life. And I have been desperately searching for a purpose- why did God send me here? At times, it has been so lonely. I have been hungry for meaning, for friendship, hungry for love, hungry for the depth of fellowship that I have been blessed to have at hand in other seasons of my life. I have wrestled with myself, wrestled with all aspects of my environment, partially trying to find a scapegoat on which to cast my problems- but more often looking to identify a problem so I can fix it.
Yet so often, this is a control mechanism in disguise for me. It really all boils down to me looking to God and trusting in His sovereignty and His sufficiency to get me through the rough spots. It is hard to cling to hope. Hard, hard, hard.
Today I have a new perspective. I believe in a God who reigns throughout all the world- even the hard and hopeless spots. In fact, through the person of Jesus we see that God has a heart for the lost and the hopeless. He rubs elbows with "big" sinners, he is not daunted by the rough crowd. He heals those who have tried all else and come to him in desperation- like the woman who was bleeding for twelve years. (Mark chapter 5). This is my God- and I must believe that even in a place that feels so lost- so beyond reach- so full of sad, empty lives and desperation for love and meaning and purpose- that He is still here. And not even that He is here- but that His heart is aching for the lost people in this place. That He has a plan for them. That He longs to be kind and gracious towards them- the turn their tumultuous hearts back to Himself. He yearns for His children to come home and run into their Daddy's arms.
I must believe this- and I must also believe that my purpose is to reflect back His light and love in all I do. That He is somehow using me, and also molding me. When I told Him that my life was His- I meant it. And I must continue to mean it. When I told Him I would go wherever He would send me- I meant it with all my heart. And I must continue to live in light of this promise everyday. For all He has done and yet to do- I desire to live a life that exudes thankfulness to Him and above all- one that glorifies Him for who He is.
He is enough- Amen.
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