Full Heart

I know it has been a while. There has been a lot on my heart of late, but I haven't made the time to write about it. I think it is time to share a little bit. I have been thinking a lot about where I come from: the influences and people who have shaped my life, the bits of my past that, though now closed volumes, still are a piece of who I am this moment, this second. I am proud of my heritage. There was a point in time when I thought that just because I didn't know anything about my heritage, it was not significant or even cool. And just the smallest glimpse into who my family is and where they come from has been reassuring, grounding for me. I enjoyed hearing my grandpa talk about my family coming over from Europe to the U.S. and settling in Ohio. I have loved poring over a great-aunt's bridal book; seeking to understand a little more about the family from which I come out of.
I have also been revisiting my past in other ways. Visiting old friends while I have been home has been part of that. I have come to see the strong women who have always been a part of my landscape, and this helps me understand why I am the kind of woman I am. More than I recognized, I have been surrounded and influenced by many strong, intelligent women. By many women leaders as well, who have each shaped the young woman I am today. I am proud of this heritage, and especially proud that this has most often been modeled for me in a community of faith. I want any future daughters of mine to be strong, yet gentle, and intelligent, yet humble women.
Being home has opened a lot in my heart. Love is disarming, and coming home fills my heart to overflowing with love and gratitude. I love southwest Ohio. I don't think I have always, but there is a comfort to the lay of the land, the various communities I am familiar with, the scenery, the people, the localities. I love coming home and knowing where to drive, the familiarity is comforting and welcoming in and of itself.
More than the area, however, the people have grabbed my heart. My life is pleasantly entangled with my family's when I am home. The simple fact of not knowing where all my socks are makes my heart happy. My life so effortlessly ebbs and flows into theirs. I miss that. I cherish those times, and as hokey as it might sound, I really like family life. I miss the rhythm that we have and most of all, coming home to a full house at the end of the day. Even with the bestestest roomie a girl could ever ask for :) , I miss fulfilling that role in a family.
I returned to my high school tonight and saw a drama production. The last time I was at a drama event for my high school, I was in it. It was a great show, and it so blesses my heart to see people I love, all grown up, singing and dancing and acting and having fun. Drama was a family for me in high school, and it is like a family reunion to even attend a show. I felt so full after the performance, from the sheer joy and pleasure of live theater and the visual and musical arts. Getting like a bajillion hugs in the receiving line and being able to behold the beautiful people who have been so dear to me in the past few years was just enough to fill my heart to overflowing. I left feeling loved, and knowing that I had also gotten to give out love and encouragement tonight by my presence.
It is nights like this that I feel so filled, so alive with love. Love disarms my fears, diffuses my independent and isolationist tendencies, and motivates me to breathe in deeply. Something about driving home in the beautiful Ohio night, reflecting on the beauty of the people who I will never stop loving, the feeling of extended family, and the close friends and family members whose time I delight in when home was just wonderful. And of course, now, I am unable to sleep. So I wrote this blog. Sometimes you just gotta have a heart-filled-to-overflowing kinda blog. After midnight. When the rest of the house is still in various states of slumber.
And if you are reading this? I probably love you very much, and you are included in the beautiful people who make my heart happy and remind me of how deeply and fully blessed I am and have been.